The E-Mail I Cannot Send

Ann:

I've needed a couple of days in deciding how to respond to a brief moment that happened in our meeting with Marty earlier this week.

I believe you were trying to make the point that certain employees are reluctant to come and talk to me because I am viewed as reactionary. You've certainly made that claim on more than on occasion in the past. I'm not completely sure what your point was in our meeting with Marty because Marty interrupted to tell you that your attitude to our discussion wasn't appropriate. Your specific point, I believe, was to tell me that that I over-reacted in a meeting with you and Nova in which the two of you expressed concerns about the work assignments I was proposing for Claudia Xxxx. I explained to you that for a moment I felt like I'd been ambushed. In that meeting with Nova, and again in the meeting with Marty, we covered this issue thoroughly, so I don't think it needs to be rehashed here. As far as I'm concerned, that particular matter is resolved. However, in that discussion with Nova, and again with Marty, I told you that I was particularly sensitive to the issue of being told that employees might feel like they couldn't come and talk to me. In the past you've expressed the opinion I'm too quick to get angry, and I'll allow that is a possibility. Whether or not I've been successful, I can tell you that I have gone to great pains to be respectful and accommodating in my dealings with you.

I wish, however that could be the end of this discussion, but I'm afraid it isn't.

In the conversation with Marty we also discussed Erica Xxxx. (I have recently had two meetings with her, one in which I expressed my disappointment at her blatant tardiness and her disregard for me by not calling me when she was nearly an hour and a half late. In a second meeting with her I expressed my disappointment at her resistance to making suggestions for adjustments to the workflow in your division as a result of Mackenzie's resignation.) Your implication, again, was that Erica in particular and to a lesser extent the administrative staff in general, might feel they cannot talk to me for fear of my reactions, and that you wanted to act as some sort of buffer between me and the staff in future meetings. Since this is not the first time you've made this implication -- unfairly in my opinion -- I've been very careful to keep an open line of communication with all of the administrative staff -- those servicing your division in particular -- telling them that if there is an issue they need to discuss, and they are not comfortable talking to me, they should meet with Marty or Mike Xxxx. I have been assured repeatedly by all of the administrative staff on more than one occasion -- Erica included -- that they are comfortable in meeting with me. I have written communications from employees that they enjoy working with me.

In your attempt to illustrate your point, twice you offered an imitation of me, specifically categorizing my reaction during our meeting with Nova as "melodramatic," and stating that "People don't talk that way." I'm not sure if it is my mannerisms you find offensive, my use of the word furious, the tone of my voice...I don't know. To be honest, I was so taken aback at being mocked, I thought I might have imagined it. I asked Marty the next day if he noticed your demonstration, and he told me that he did and that he was surprised by it as well. I did not imagine it.

I've spoken to several people about this, so as to be sure not to over-react, and I'm putting this in writing so as not to over-emphasize or over-dramatize my point. While there may or may not have been some merit to the substance of your comments, I have to say that imitating a person for any reason really does not serve your point effectively. We've already established your opinion that I tend to over-react, but if there is a proper reaction to being mocked in a business meeting I'm at a loss to know what that might be.

What's more, since I am the only gay employee at XXXX, I'm not sure if your performance was meant to imply that certain employees are reluctant to talk to me because I'm gay. Your impersonation of me certainly could be interpreted as an an attempt at a gay stereotype. That's how I took it. I'm not entirely sure what your intention was by imitating me. I can tell you that in my experience, such mocking gestures have been an attempt at marginalizing and humiliating the person being imitated. While I'd like to believe you wouldn't do that, that you were in some way trying to be helpful, especially to a colleague who has gone out of his way to build and maintain a cordial working relationship, up to and including having you to his home for dinner, I honestly cannot be sure.

Obviously I feel strongly enough about this issue to take the personal steps I feel necessary to maintain some sort of dignity and self respect. I wanted you to know that I find being mocked for any reason unacceptable. I leave it up to you to decide whether your behavior was appropriate.