The Bleach Speech

I do not have the corner office. I have the office next to the corner office. It's one of the largest in the company and one of the few that has solid instead of glass walls. It's not the nicest office I've ever had, but it's one of the prime pieces of real estate in our company. I like it. I've been in there nearly six months and with the exception of a white board, the three walls are blank. The fourth wall is a window.

The company is going through some financial difficulties and it's likely that one division is going to be gutted. The head of that division is upset and has proposed alternative staff reductions, one being the elimination of my position. The CEO has assured me that won't happen, but with employees doing crack in the file room I'm not so sure that would be a bad thing.

One of the duties I have is professional coaching. Right now I work very closely with a brand new employee, we'll call her Princess, and I'm basically directing another division because the manager is facing some very difficult challenges that we're working through, building the division from thin air. I've worked very closely with another vice president on a key project, saving the company $25,000 because no wanted to do the project and I've had to have some very difficult performance discussions with the highest levels of the organization. In addition I am the direct supervisor for the office manager and the administrative staff, which is exhausting. Yesterday I did nothing but sit and listen to employees complain. At the end of the day I was beginning to think crack cocaine was sounding pretty good.

The highlight of my day was meeting with Princess. I don't ascribe that name in any sort of pejorative manner. This young lady, apart from being stunningly beautiful with a classic hour-glass figure, almond eyes, and a shock of wild black hair. Princess is razor sharp, and drips the kind of elegance women in their fifties envy. Think a combination of Audrey Hepburn and Katherine Hepburn with a touch of Lucy Liu poured into Whitney Houston's body and you'll begin to get the idea. If I was a decade younger, sexuality notwithstanding, I'd be all over her. However, Princess is very, very green and has been hired with the idea that for the first six months she is just to observe and absorb the company. I meet with her two or three times a week to answer questions, give suggestions for areas of research and help her prepare questions for interviews with the heads of certain divisions so that she can ask intelligent questions. The formula seems to be working.

A week or so ago there was a huge conference and on the spur of the moment the CEO invited Princess along to observe. When she came back I asked for a written report. From business and grammar points of view, there were a number of things wrong with the paper, but the essence of it was sound and what was most impressive was the demonstration of critical thinking -- a dying art form. My main issue with the paper, however was the negative bent. Like all twenty-two year old she realizes that she doesn't know everything, but thinks that what she doesn't know isn't worth knowing, and it was that I wanted to address in a follow up meeting.

For business reasons I can't make clear here, it was necessary for me to explain to her that I am gay. It was relevant to the discussion. Now, I'm out at work, but not OUT -- if that makes sense. I sing with CGMC and more than one colleague has come to the concerts. My philosophy on this point has always been that my sexuality is not the most interesting aspect of my life and that if it is relevant to anything I had nothing to hide. But there is always that awkward moment when you the topic comes up for the first time with someone. The moment isn't, "Do I tell them or not?" The moment isn't, "Are they going to accept me or not?" The moment is, "Am I going to have to hear the little speech?"

The little speech can take many forms, but it invariably includes the smile and nod, a personal expression of how open and accepting the other person is, and the description of the other person's "gay" friend/sister/uncle/gardner. It's like a paper cut; not seriously painful, but an annoyance I'd prefer to avoid.

Imagine this conversation:

"I need to go in and have my roots done."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, I'm not really blond."

"I would never have guessed. It looks so natural. You know, I've always been very accepting of bleach blonds. I mean, what other people do in a salon is none of my business. I make no judgements. In fact, the woman who lived across the street from us when I was growing up colored her own hair all the time. We used to have her over for coffee on Saturdays. Now, who's you're colorist? What's he like? What does he do? Is he any good?"

Now, that isn't a perfect analogy because coloring your hair is a choice -- not that there's anything wrong with that -- but that's how inane those conversations sound to me. I've never understood why they don't go like this:

"I'm gay."

"Oh. Is he any good?"

So, given my high opinion of Princess, I not only experienced that moment of sting when I got the little speech, but I was a bit disappointment. The moment passed and I don't think any less of Princess but to me that's just the palest example of the discrimination that I've experienced.

Earlier in the week my sexuality was a reference point in another conversation. And it really was relevant. There are really three of us in the office who are key to the CEO's plans. He includes us in everything. Now the other two, the CFO and Chip, are privately very critical of the CEO. I am not. Now, I like Chip. He's young and very, very smart. The CFO is not as smart, but very good. I don't like her as much as she's just a little too good to work for our company. However, in our discussions, she honestly doesn't have a problem with my sexuality. When it's relevant she refers to it. She is a bottle blond. Chip, on the other hand, I really do believe respects me as much as respects anyone else in the office and to a degree actually likes me personally. But whenever my sexuality comes up he says absolutely nothing. He is stone silent or changes the subject. Yet he has no problem raising the topic of his girlfriend and his impending proposal.

In this discussion, I mentioned the blank walls of my office and told the CFO and Chip that there were days when I toyed with the idea of going out and finding the biggest rainbow flag I could, and nailing it to my wall. The CFO said that she thought I should. Chip was silent. I laughed at the CFO and told her she was a troublemaker and she said, "No. I'm serious. I think these guys out here are scared of you. They don't know what to make of you."

Again Chip was silent.

Boo!