Breeding

I'm sure there have been times that I've failed to return a phone call or an e-mail message. It happens. I have good friends who get busy and fail to return messages. I don't take it personally, nor do I judge them as bad people. I realize they're busy and that they'll get back to me when they have time.

Yet, it seems to me to that ignoring messages is becoming quite prevalent as a form of communication, one that appears to be almost socially acceptable. However, everything communicates something, even silence. And if that's the case, what is the message of the silence?

Now, if I receive a mass e-mail blast from a friend announcing a show, I don't feel particularly obligated to respond. The message is not addressed expressly to me. Likewise, on occasion I'll have reason to send out an e-mail message to multiple recipients. I do not expect a response. Those messages are informational only and as such can be legitimagely ignored.

Yet, when a message is specifically addressed to an individual, be it in the form of an e-mail or phone message, and there is no response, what is the appropriate response to the non-response?

More than ten years ago I was directing a show and specifically invited an actor to audition. He agreed, but simply did not show up for his appointment. A day or two later he left a rather emotional message giving his reasons for not showing up. He'd worked for the theater before, although not for me, and the theater had stiffed him. Although I appreciated his reasoning, I was at a loss for understanding his communication method. At the end of the message he said that if I wanted to talk about it further, I should give him a call. I responded saying I understood and that I would like to discuss it further. He did not call back.

A few years later the same actor was directing a show and had virtually guaranteed a lead role to a friend of mine. At that time he was also performing in a show, and my friend and I saw him. He was very good. We were introduced after the show, chatted a little and then I left. I decided it was the better part of valour not to bring up our previous association. A day or two later I found his phone number and called him, inviting him out for a cup of coffee. He accepted.

And then he stood me up. No cancellation, no explanation. Just nothing.

I have to confess that I did not handle it well. I called to leave a message and while leaving the message I got very angry. I'm pretty sure I didn't swear, but I may have raised my voice.

The next day I came home to a message from this guy telling me that he was sorry, but his grandfather had died and that he'd like to get together. If I wanted to talk about it, I should call.

Now, not for a nanosecond did I believe that his grandfather had died, but I was prepared to be wrong. I returned his call, apologizing for my behavior and telling him that I would like to talk about it, just so that we could clear the air.

In the meantime, he'd stalled in casting my friend. I don't remember the exact timing, but I'm quite sure his stalling in casting had nothing to do with me. The issues were completely unrelated. But as it turned out, he did not call me back, nor did he call my friend to explain why he'd cast another actor. He simply did not communicate.

I do recall in my tirade telling the actor that our paths couldn't help but cross in the future, and that no doubt we would each smile and be polite and congratulate one another on whatever success each had achieved. But I told him that he should never, ever be fooled by the performance. That from that point, until the end of time I would forever look at him and think that he was an ill-bred cad. Or words less appropriate for the family hour.

And that's true. Although we've never had reason to speak to one another, I have seen him from afar, and I have caught him watching me, but neither of us has ever spoken to one another. To this day I can't see him, nor his name in print and not follow it up with "John Doe, low-class, ill-bred cad." Or words less appropriate for the family hour.

There's a level of dysfunction in people who do not return messages that no amount of money, social connections, education, nor expensive clothes can disguise. In my experience, it's people who somehow congratulate themselves on being superior in some way who most frequently feel justified in "forgetting" to return messages. In the end I can do nothing more but pity them. I imagine there is some sort of passive/aggressive element at play, but I rarely find these people interesting enough to devote enough time to really examining it.

For the record, a well-bred person returns his messages, preferrably within twenty-four hours, even, or perhaps especially if the response is in the negative. It's so much more pleasant and respectable to be rejected than it is to be ignored.