At this stage of my life I really should know better. It's not cute or quaint that a full-grown man is repeatedly disappointed in people. It's not endearing to always try to believe the best in people and to continually be disappointed. It's pathetic and stupid.
For years and years I was a jaded, bitter person. I trusted no one and was always ready to point out someone's flaws and mistakes. I found that only made me more bitter and alone. So, I made a vow to try to change and I've worked very, very hard over the last ten years or so to try to focus on the postives in people.
Every now and then I've been disappointed. A few years ago I realized that a noted theater director here in Chicago, whom I had been working with, wasn't really interested in building a theatre ensemble, he was really interested in networking with people he thought had money. (For some reason some people assume I come from money.) I didn't get angry. I simply and calmly told him why I would not work with him again.
Today I discovered that my boss has been lying to me. Whether he knows he's been lying isn't clear, but what is clear is that he's been saying one thing and doing something else. The details of the situation are too tedious to type, but the bottom line is I was slapped in the face by reality and the reality is that several of us were told we were hired to be part of a team to rebuild the company. In fact, we've been brought in to take the blame for the failure, while all the old employees and directors basically steal from the company. I've had moments of suspicion, but always let them go. Now, I'm not sure I can.
I'm lucky in one regard. Although my boss has spent the last three months crying poor mouth, he's found the funds to go to Las Vegas and gamble. That gives me a couple days to get my game face together. But I also work with his wife and I've been swallowing minor irritations for months. I think I may have had my fill.
But, now I have to find a way to keep myself open. Thank God for the chorus. While I don't have a lot of close friends in this group, I also don't have a lot of investment in it. I can go and get as much enjoyment as possible out of it and then leave it alone.
And this Sunday is the Halloween parade in the neighborhood of my old cafe. I'm going to make an appearance and watch all the little kids. I'm feeling nostalgic for my little part-time job running that cafe, but the time to move on has passed. I've made my decision to be a grown up and there is no turning back. I've just got to toughen up and get smarter about people.
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I'm seeing the light as well, my friend. It seems as if our life experiences might have taken us in much the same direction, though we are much different people. My high school years were often spent making fun of people in mean-spirited and unacceptable ways. I was obnoxious and self-centered. Few things made me happy.
Fortunately I have a good partner whose patience, counsel, and unlimited love have seen me through.
My "aha" moment was my grandfather's funeral about 10 years ago. I knew he was a good man, but it didn't really sink in until I heard others speak about him in glowing, well-deserved terms. I realized that my eulogy would be vastly different from his if I didn't allow myself to change and become a better person.
That's why I'd like to make amends with you. I was a horrible person to you through high school. Part ignorance, part jealousy, and part competetiveness...and all centered on my low self-esteem. I dragged others down because I felt down.
I certainly would not expect you to accept my apology, but I am offering it nonetheless. Without putting my name out there for all to see, let me just tell you that the names John Sether and Gibby mean as much to me as they do to you. And that I sometimes still find myself standing on stage balancing a book in each hand under a banner that says "Read Your Bible."
I'm happy to know that you are well.
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