Chris. It's a very complex thing, but Chris is someone who did not hide his contempt for me as well as he thought he did. Usually dealing with someone who doesn't like me makes me very uncomfortable, but I actually found power in the knowledge and for the first time did not feel compelled to try to change his mind.
2. What did I learn? Skills? Knowledge?
There is not enough space on all the Internet to detail this answer. But, I'd say the most important thing I learned is that I am capable of far more than I imagined.
3. Who did I befriend?
Myself. How narcissistic is that? But I've spent a lot of time alone in the last five months, and I've actually enjoyed every minute of it.
4. What’s better about my primary relationship?
I don't have one of those. Maybe I should look into that.
5. What’s worse about my primary relationship?
I try not to acknowledge lack, but it's hard to pretend you have something you don't.
6. What’s my biggest disappointment?
I'd say my biggest disappointment is that I couldn't make my last job work. But in the final analysis, it was all really beyond my control. There were massive egos -- much larger than mine -- in conflict. As much as I'd like to, I just can't accept responsibility for that.
7. What other disappointments did I experience?
I'm sure there were a few minor disappointments, but none I can't think of any.
8. If I had this year to do over, what would I have done more of?
I would have liked to have traveled more. I really want to go back to Paris.
9. If I had this year to do over, what would I have done less of?
Eat chocolate croissants. I'm beginning to suspect that with one more croissant my arteries will be completely blocked.
10. What was my greatest joy?
Spending the last five months waking up in the morning and feeling free.
11. What’s been the biggest change in the past year?
I don't feel stress they way I did. I feel more engaged and confident that I can really do anything I set out to do.
12. What was my biggest heartache?
There weren't any.
13. What was most annoying to me about the past year?
People who take their dogs to outdoor cafes and allow them to lounge in the only area where people have to walk through the tables.
People who go to outdoor cafes and feel empowered to light up their cigarettes, simply because they're outside, regardless of the fact that there are people eating mere inches from their stink sticks.
14. What was the best book I read this year?
The Best American Essays of 2007
15. What was the best movie I saw?
I don't know if it was the best movie, but I find myself thinking about P.S. I Love You quite a bit.
16. What are my biggest concerns at this point in my life?
My biggest concern is my mother's health. She lives alone in a small town in northwest Iowa and it is at least a full day's travel to get to her. We had a health scare over the summer and it became clear that she needs to be moved closer to either me or my sister. The trouble is she hates both Arizona and Chicago.
17. What do I want more than anything else?
The means to sustain my current lifestyle, but also to make extended trips abroad.
18. What would I like to be more disciplined about?
I need to be more disciplined about doing laundry. I have enough clothing so that I can go months without doing laundry. The problem then is that it takes months to make them all clean again.
19. What would make my life more enjoyable?
I would really enjoy having a second home in Paris.
20. What would make my life more meaningful?
I don't believe the meaning of life can be defined until the end. I'm thankful that I'm not at that point.
21. What would make my life more comfortable?
Our building needs to replace the windows. That would make my condo a little less drafty.
22. What would make my life more challenging?
I don't like to think about this question. It's like borrowing trouble.
23. How am I different from last year?
I think I'm more mellow and I enjoy the things I'm doing more.
24. Where have I held back?
I'm still not as proactive in meeting people socially as I should be. But I also don't necessarily feel compelled to make any more effort.
25. In what ways have I been more giving?
I think I'm more forgiving -- if only by a smidge. I hold fewer grudges, and by that I mean that when someone turns out to be something unexpected, or when they do things that aren't in accordance with my own plans, I accept that and move on. I rage at the gods less than I used to.
26. What worked better?
There's a thought that the universe will keep presenting the same lesson over and over until that lesson is learned. It will also give you the opportunity to face your fears. Well, this is the third time in my life when I've faced unemployment, and this time around I think I did it right. I don't think I'll be unemployed again.
27. What got worse?
If anything, I'd say my bank account. Five months of unemployment is expensive.
28. How did I treat myself particularly well?
I think I've learned to accept responsibility from and for myself, without accepting blame.
29. How did I coast this year?
I don't think I did. In many ways this has been the most productive year of my life. I graduated with a masters degree, I completed three applications for PhD programs, I started a little business, I learned how to market that business -- and for those last two things, I learned everything from the ground up by going to the store and buying several books, I wrote a collection of short stories.
30. How did I climb this year?
See the above. And I still feel like I'm in the foothills.
31. How did I make myself more valuable in the marketplace?
I developed mad skills, not just hard skills like learning Adobe Creative Suite, but I also developed softer business skills. I can tell this by the interviews I've done where the questions they ask are not necessarily the run-of-the-mill "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
32. What was easier this year?
Everything.
33. What was harder?
Nothing.
34. What are my biggest risks?
There are examples of taking risks, but they all boil down to one thing: maintaining my self confidence.
35. In what ways did my primary relationship improve?
As stated above, I don't have a primary relationship with anyone other than myself, and that relationship has improved in that I now think much more highly of myself.
In what ways didn’t it?
I need to eat more vegetables.
36. Have I done anything this year for which I need to forgive myself?
Nope.
37. How did I give of myself without thought of personal gain?
I think this is a loaded question, because I think it is completely against human nature to do something without an eye toward personal gain. However I do think that it's possible to make personal gain a secondary concern, and in that way I'd say that I've been generally supportive of a number of people in my life who have been doing brave new things for themselves.
38. What didn’t work that should have?
I think I might have landed a few of the jobs I interviewed for, but didn't. But I also think that no matter what, I wasn't going to get a job until I had my PhD applications completed. A new job would have been an excuse not to move on with my education.
39. What was the most interesting thing I did this year?
Starting my own business has been interesting. I started it, not out of a sense of need, but because I was interested in photography. Watching it grow and develop, and watching my photographic skills improve has been very interesting.
40. What was the most challenging thing I did this year?
Completing the PhD applications was the biggest challenge. First of all, they're incredibly detailed, but on a personal level the challenge was confronting insecurities that told me I wasn't smart enough or good enough to be considered for the programs I wanted. I may not be accepted into any of the programs, but I know that I am at least good enough for consideration.
41. What was the hardest thing I did this year?
I don't know what the hardest thing was. I know that the easiest thing to do would have been to allow myself to wallow in self pity this summer when I lost my job and had to face my mother's health incident. I've been guilty of that in the past, but I didn't do it this time. It wasn't particularly hard, but it wasn't exactly easy either.
42. How did my net worth change?
My net worth decreased, but my net value increased my a much higher degree.
43. How did my income change?
Yeah. It evaporated.
44. What courses did I take to learn new information and/or new skills?
Outside of the masters program, I didn't take any formal classes, but I read a ton of photography, business, and marketing materials.
45. What health challenges did I experience?
I need to find the motivation to get back to the gym on a regular basis.
46. How am I a better husband/wife?
Does not apply to me.
47. How am I a better father/mother?
Thank God this doesn't apply to me.
48. How am I a better citizen?
I feel like I'm better informed about political events. I'll be making my presidential selection from a much more informed point of view.
49. How am I a better employee/employer?
I'm more confident. I just hope I'm not cocky.
50. How am I a better student, teacher?
I'm interested in just about everything. Every day I enjoy reading more.
51. How am I a better son/daughter?
I'm accepting the fact that my mother and father are human and all that implies.
52. How am I a better sister/brother?
I'm giving my sister more space. I'd like her to be a little more involved with me and her mother.
53. How do I feel about where I live?
I love Chicago, and I love my condo. There's a small chance that I'll move this year, depending on acceptance to a PhD program. I'll be disappointed if I have to do that.
54. What do I have that is unfinished?
I had really wanted to have my collection of short stories completed by the end of 2007, and it's not. But it is becoming a coherent collection and if I can have two weeks to devote to nothing else, it will be finished and brilliant.
55. What am I doing for my community this year that I wasn’t doing last year?
I'm going to pay more attention to neighborhood politics. I think we need a new alderman, or we need to make the current alderman more accountable.
56. What risks have I taken this year?
The risks have been mentioned above, and they've been along the lines of major life change risks. I need to take more social risks.
57. How would I rate this year in terms of happiness?
The year I was sixteen was my happiest year, but this year comes in a very close second.
58. What are the most boring things that I’ve done this year?
I have watched too many Project Runway reruns.
59. Am I as happy as I would like to be?
I think happiness is measured in satisfaction, and I'm very satisfied with my life right now.
60. How was I acknowledged? Awards? Commendations?
In many ways I feel like I'm one of the best-kept secrets in Chicago. But my time is coming. I can feel it.
61. Am I better off this year than last year? Why and in what ways?
I am better off. I'm comfortable with myself in a way I've never really experienced before.
62. What phone call have I been putting off making?
All of them. I hate talking on the phone.
63. What are my most valued material possessions? Why?
I think I could walk out of my house with my computer, my camera, and my cat and not really miss anything else. These things feed my soul because they allow me to express myself.
64. What are my most valued non-material possessions? Why?
Without a doubt it's my sense of humor. It may not be apparent from this blog, but I can really crack myself up.
65. What do I have in my life that has eternal value?
I have the love and respect of people who I find endlessly fascinating. There aren't a lot of them, but the ones I like I could spend the rest of my life getting to know.
66. What has been my greatest learning?
All real learning is self discovery. I'm grateful that however deep or shallow I may be, I remain interested in myself.
67. Who have I helped become a better person?
At my last job a woman I was working with let slip that she thought I was stupid. She actually called me stupid to my face. At the time I very nicely and professionally explained to her, first why that was inappropriate, and second thinking you are smarter than everyone else is a very dangerous state of mind.
A few weeks later she gave her notice and came to see me to tell me that she was sorry for her comment, and that she in fact did respect me. I stopped her and told her that an apology was unnecessary, but I also told her that it was very clear that she did not in fact respect me. I told her that it was all right, that I didn't think she was a bad person, but that she had made a mistake on several fronts including her judgement of me and her inability to keep her opinion to herself.
I think I gave her something to think about.
68. If I were accused of being a kind and generous person, would there be enough evidence to convict me?
Yes.
69. What am I most proud of having accomplished this year?
My degree. They can't take that away from me. No, they can't take that away from me.
70. What did I do to make the world a better place for someone other than myself?
I gave money to homeless people on the street.
71. If I were to ask the people who know me best, who I am and what am I about, what would they say? Would I agree with them?
I don't know that I'd ask. People's opinions about me are none of my business because they really say more about them than they do about me. I've come to the realization that people's opinions are really reflections of themselves, and it's none of my business how they see themselves.
72. Am I more organized today than I was a year ago?
Not really. I'm pretty organized to begin with.
73. How would the world have looked if I had not been here this year?
There are but a handful of people whose presence has any impact upon "the world." I do not count myself as one of them, so the world would look pretty much as it does with me.
74. What actions had the greatest payoff?
Buying my first book on photography. It hasn't generated a lot of money, but it has been invaluable in securing peace of mind.
75. On a scale of 1-10 (10 being the best), was my life in balance?
3. While it has been immensely enjoyable, I cannot claim that my life has been balanced. Achieving some degree of balance is of the utmost importance for 2008.
76. What was the best day of this past year? Why?
The entire month of August was pretty great.
77. What was the worst day? Why?
The day I was laid off was pretty bad. But it wasn't the actual termination. The hours leading up to the phone call letting me know that I was on "the list" were a little emotional. It was disappointing that something that could have been so great simply died because of a clash of egos.
78. For what am I most grateful for?
My mind.
79. In whose life did I make a difference?
I have absolutely no idea. That would be an intensely personal piece of information.
80. What activities brought me the most pleasure over the past year and how will I incorporate more of them into my life this coming year?
Reading with a knowledgeable eye. I love reading a story, a novel, an article, or an essay and having an understanding of how it is constructed. I love having that appreciation.
81. What is my greatest fear?
My greatest fear is lack of accomplishment.
82. In what and in who have I invested in this year?
My greatest investment has been in myself. Now I need to generate dividends from that investment.
83. What have I let go of this year?
Fear of being inadequate. I think that is completely gone.
84. Do I really believe that I cause, promote or allow everything I have in my life?
No, but I do believe that I play a big part in it. Every now and then God gives things a whirl just to keep things interesting.
85. What was the funniest thing to happen this year?
I'm completely stealing this from Alex's blog, but this comes pretty close to being funny in itself. When looking at it from a metaphoric standpoint with Linda Day George playing the role of Everyman, this is cosmically brilliant!
86. Who did I hurt this year and how? How can I make amends?
I'm not aware of hurting anyone.
87. What was the most positive experience I had this year?
Being laid off from my job.
88. What was the most negative experience I had this year?
Realizing that my mother is not immortal.
89. What did I do to enrich the life of someone less fortunate than myself?
I think the only real misfortune is lack of self knowledge. I can have no way of knowing if I enriched anyone by helping them attain a level of self knowlege.
90. What did I do this year to develop my spiritual life?
I read.
91. What delighted me this year?
Waking up on a Monday morning and rolling over and going back to sleep.
92. What was first thought to have been negative that turned out to be a good thing?
I can't think of anything because I'm actually pretty good at turning a negative into a positive. It may simply be mental gymnastics on my part, but then again, what in life is not?
93. Where do I want to be next year at this time?
Sitting exactly where I am now, but greatful for a break in my unbearably hectic life.
94. How could I make my primary relationship more fulfilling, happier, meaningful and joyful?
I have GOT to get me one of them!
95. What is my best memory from this past year?
Seeing the website I built for my business launch. That was an accomplishment.
96. What was I hurt by this year? What did I learn from it?
There are a small group of people that I do not like. As I said, that no doubt says more about me than it does them so I'm glad that group is small. There is an equally small group of people that I think of as almost touched by God. I'm endlessly impressed by them. It's irrational, I know, but I realized that one person from the latter group has great respect for another person in the former group. I don't know why, but that realization stung.
97. What was my biggest regret of what I did or didn’t do this year?
I do not believe in regret.
98. What did I buy this year that I have not yet used–and probably won’t? And who can I give it to?
I bought a mini tripod that I'll probably never use. I'll probably just donate it to Howard Brown.
99. What systems did I put in place to become more effective, efficient and organized?
I started using Microsoft Outlook more effectively.
100. Have I been a taker or a giver this year? In what ways?
I think I can claim both titles. I've never been much of a taker, but sometimes the best way to give is to receive and I'm trying to be better about that.
Next year I'll probably use a different list of questions. These seemed to focus too much on the negative. But I think there's some value in taking a few minutes to reflect on the passing year and articulate those things that have been most important.
Have a happy and healthy new year!
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