Expensive White Leather Jackets

I had premonitions, but I ignored them. I saw a green convertible and I always think of him. I found myself looking up at the sky and remembered a random conversation. In the past such reflections would make me antsy, guilt ridden. Sad. Today they were just random thoughts that darted through my mind while I walked up Broadway to Jewel.

I had a poster framed and had picked it up. It was getting late in the afternoon and I started to think about actually making dinner. I had everything that I needed except an onion, so I decided to walk up Broadway from Diversey to the Jewell on Addison. That's my old neighborhood, and I was surprised this afternoon by how much I actually seemed to miss it. Then I wandered into the over-crowded Jewell and was thankful that I'd moved. I stood behind a woman who obviously thought the "12 Items or Less" sign emblazoned on a huge sign over the register meant multiples of twelve. I gave up trying to conceal my contempt for her when she popped open her yet-to-be-paid-for peanuts and started chomping on them. I thought about making a scene but decided that I had too much class for anything more than my ultimate death stare.

It was after I'd paid for my groceries that I saw him. He was much grayer than I remembered, obviously aged. And he was wearing a white leather jacket. Not that I was more fetchingly attired in my down coat, but, seriously, a white leather jacket! It was clear he'd seen me and there was absolutely no way I could pretend I didn't see him, so I manufactured my best prom queen smile and exchanged "How are ya's," and walked past without missing a beat. I didn't look back.

I haven't seen Jonathan in at least eight years. I actually thought he'd left Chicago. In one of our last conversations he said that it lacked enough culture for him. I might have had to sit on my hands so as not to slap him. I first met Jonathan while going through a very, very difficult period, which cannot be blogged about. I really struggled with our friendship. I thought that my feelings of inferiority were all in my head, but after years of having to beg for his attention and being told what he was giving up to spend time with me, I ended the friendship. When I did it we hadn't seen each other in months because I refused to be the one to initate getting together. He never did. Finally I simply sent him an e-mail and said good-bye. Not the most mature way of handling the situation, I admit. I suppose I could simply have let it drift away, but at the time I really wanted that particular door nailed shut.

Jonathan did not take being dumped, even by a platonic friend, well. He left me an angry voice message, which I did not listen to before I deleted it. Since then I've run into him a few times. I acknowledge him, but do not stand around and get caught up. I am his inferior and I got that message on more than one occasion: like when he called me at work to say he was going to stop by to take me to lunch, only for me to run an errand and find him having lunch with friends, whom he did not introduce me to, at a sidewalk cafe. He never stopped at my office. Or perhaps the time he simply stood me up because something better came up. Or his withering comment about my first one-bedroom apartment. The list could go on forever. I simply decided that if I was inferior to him, I needed to be inferior in my own social space.

Since then I've built a pretty successful career, nearly completed a master's degree, and bought my own home. I'm sure he knows none of this and thinks I'm still writing memos and serving eggs for a living, hoping to be cast in another storefront production. I'm pretty happy with my life.

And I don't wear white leather jackets.