I've discovered that RP is, indeed, human -- and not a particularly decent one.
From what I can gather: Six months he unceremoniously dumped his boyfriend of six months. Said boyfriend, PL, from all accounts was devastated. Now, understand, I'm not especially a fan of PL's. He's vain and needy and condescending. I have to admit that I got a tiny bit of pleasure from the knowledge that his relationship with RP ended dramatically. To get over the pain, PL threw himself into his work and workouts and managed to find another boyfriend. And now RP is all over PL. Tonight at rehearsal they were virtually inseparable. But because PL is vain and needy and condescending, RP will eventually dump him again; and this time I'm not taking any pleasure in what is sure to be nasty.
On top of that, for the first time, ever, I am standing next to RP for one of the songs, and he took some rather thinly veiled digs at me. And with the same amount of lilt in my voice I dished it right back.
Of course I knew the character I'd created in my head didn't really exist, and have been prepared from the beginning for the sad moment when RP would actually become human. I guess the disappointment is that the fantasy that I've enjoyed for over a year is dissolving and there's nothing on the horizon to replace it. Ah, back to Ben Affleck.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Sunday, June 18, 2006
The Ticking Clock
It's oppressively humid this morning, the sky like wet cotton balls pressing down. The kind of days I hate. You tell yourself that things would be better if it rained, but you know its a lie. It literally is not the heat, it's the humidity.
I slept late this morning, getting up at about 8:30, and then wandered out in search of breakfast. My love affair with my waffle iron is on the wane. I've been through four boxes of mix and I've had enough for now. I'm sure it will rekindle again in four or five years. But at the moment, the only thing in my kitchen is dirty dishes and canned peaches. I'd order more groceries, but I will barely be home this week. Next weekend is the final concert with the chorus for the season, and it's the week before my vacation so things will be hectic at work. But then I will have nine consecutive, glorious, paid days off.
Those nine days are taking on increased significance for me. In particular, this morning I became acutely aware of the ticking clock and all of the things I want to accomplish that simply are not getting done. This post for one thing is a product of that awareness. I must take my writing more seriously. To that end, I've been doing a great deal of reading and have mapped out both my reading and writing summer. I've just finished Jane Smiley's book on writing novels. In it she lists one hundred books to reference in creating fiction. I obviously cannot read all one hundred this summer -- it took Smiley three years -- but I have identified three that Smiley refers to lavishly in her book: Anna Karenina, Don Quixote, and Beloved. I've started Anna and I'm almost to the point where I stopped reading the first time I picked it up, which is not very far. Smiley did Anna in a month. I've given myself two weeks. Also, by the end of my vacation, I want to have five short stories roughed out as well as a preliminary outline for a novel. My next class starts on July 18, and by then I want to have two more stories roughed. If I can get one more done by Labor Day, I'll be cranking, but then I'll have to put aside all writing as I'm anticipating the fall term to be almost unbearable in work load. The holiday break should complete the collection in preparation for the beginning of shopping it around after the first of the year.
There. I've posted the schedule on the web for all the world to see. If history repeats itself, that virtually insures that New Year's Eve will roll around and I'll have nothing to show for my time. But my relationship to time seems to be changing. I feel it tightening. A day isn't as long as it used to be and the list of things I want to accomplish just seems to extend into infinity. If I try to see the end of the list, I get dizzy; so the best course of action is to take the first step and not look up for the rest of the year.
Also, I'm trying to make the committment to at least one blog post a week. I must keep my loyal readers entertained!
I slept late this morning, getting up at about 8:30, and then wandered out in search of breakfast. My love affair with my waffle iron is on the wane. I've been through four boxes of mix and I've had enough for now. I'm sure it will rekindle again in four or five years. But at the moment, the only thing in my kitchen is dirty dishes and canned peaches. I'd order more groceries, but I will barely be home this week. Next weekend is the final concert with the chorus for the season, and it's the week before my vacation so things will be hectic at work. But then I will have nine consecutive, glorious, paid days off.
Those nine days are taking on increased significance for me. In particular, this morning I became acutely aware of the ticking clock and all of the things I want to accomplish that simply are not getting done. This post for one thing is a product of that awareness. I must take my writing more seriously. To that end, I've been doing a great deal of reading and have mapped out both my reading and writing summer. I've just finished Jane Smiley's book on writing novels. In it she lists one hundred books to reference in creating fiction. I obviously cannot read all one hundred this summer -- it took Smiley three years -- but I have identified three that Smiley refers to lavishly in her book: Anna Karenina, Don Quixote, and Beloved. I've started Anna and I'm almost to the point where I stopped reading the first time I picked it up, which is not very far. Smiley did Anna in a month. I've given myself two weeks. Also, by the end of my vacation, I want to have five short stories roughed out as well as a preliminary outline for a novel. My next class starts on July 18, and by then I want to have two more stories roughed. If I can get one more done by Labor Day, I'll be cranking, but then I'll have to put aside all writing as I'm anticipating the fall term to be almost unbearable in work load. The holiday break should complete the collection in preparation for the beginning of shopping it around after the first of the year.
There. I've posted the schedule on the web for all the world to see. If history repeats itself, that virtually insures that New Year's Eve will roll around and I'll have nothing to show for my time. But my relationship to time seems to be changing. I feel it tightening. A day isn't as long as it used to be and the list of things I want to accomplish just seems to extend into infinity. If I try to see the end of the list, I get dizzy; so the best course of action is to take the first step and not look up for the rest of the year.
Also, I'm trying to make the committment to at least one blog post a week. I must keep my loyal readers entertained!
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Cosmetic Procedures
So, yesterday I went to the dentist for a second time in a month. The first time was for my first check up and cleaning in three years. No insurance, no check ups. At that exam he told me I had my first cavity in thirty-five years and that my fillings needed to be replaced. Yesterday I went in to have the new cavity filled and one of the old fillings taken care of.
The bill for those two simple visits was nearly $600. My portion was a little over $90, but my dentist doesn't use silver fillings anymore -- the only kind covered by my insurance. Instead he uses a porecline concoction that gives the teeth of seventeen year old. The receptionist told me they'd submit the claim to the insurance and if they didn't cover everything they'd send me a bill for the balance. Somehow I'm not comforted by that.
The bill for those two simple visits was nearly $600. My portion was a little over $90, but my dentist doesn't use silver fillings anymore -- the only kind covered by my insurance. Instead he uses a porecline concoction that gives the teeth of seventeen year old. The receptionist told me they'd submit the claim to the insurance and if they didn't cover everything they'd send me a bill for the balance. Somehow I'm not comforted by that.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
A New Attitude
I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I'm in the midst of spring hibernation. Saturday comes and it's all I can do to drag myself out of bed. I'm better on Sunday and then Monday rolls around again and I'm good to go. But Saturday is my day and I don't feel like sharing right now.
The chorus has gotten smaller for this Pride concert, but the music is great. Fewer distractions, although RP is still here -- unaware of my existence. I've said it before... he'd flirt with a cucumber. It means nothing. Still I get all floopy when he even looks in my general direction. The concert is in two weeks and then we have the entire summer off and apart.
School starts again in mid July, and I plan to have at least five short stories ready for a publishable collection. My fall class promises to be exhausting hell, so I'm not even going to pretend to write anything again until the holiday break. My goal is to have a collection ready for submissions by June of next year. Very doable. Once that's done, I'm going back and fixing my first novel and then finishing my second. I really need to get back into the discipline of the gym and writing.
Three years ago I was in a brilliant groove, getting up at 4:00 or earlier and getting some writing done before I hit the gym and then to work. Now the alarm goes off at 4:00 and I don't even remember turning it off. OK. Tomorrow is the first day of my productive routine. And for that to happen, I must to bed.
The chorus has gotten smaller for this Pride concert, but the music is great. Fewer distractions, although RP is still here -- unaware of my existence. I've said it before... he'd flirt with a cucumber. It means nothing. Still I get all floopy when he even looks in my general direction. The concert is in two weeks and then we have the entire summer off and apart.
School starts again in mid July, and I plan to have at least five short stories ready for a publishable collection. My fall class promises to be exhausting hell, so I'm not even going to pretend to write anything again until the holiday break. My goal is to have a collection ready for submissions by June of next year. Very doable. Once that's done, I'm going back and fixing my first novel and then finishing my second. I really need to get back into the discipline of the gym and writing.
Three years ago I was in a brilliant groove, getting up at 4:00 or earlier and getting some writing done before I hit the gym and then to work. Now the alarm goes off at 4:00 and I don't even remember turning it off. OK. Tomorrow is the first day of my productive routine. And for that to happen, I must to bed.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Self Control
Out of desperation I've scheduled a week's vacation at the end of the month. The job is eating my life and sucking my soul, but in a year I'll have student loans to worry about, so I must press on. For years I've let work dramas cripple me with frustration and paranoia and I think I've finally hit my limit. I quite simply have no more energy for bull crap of any shade or scent. Let the company close. Fire me and leave me begging on the street, I don't care. Just don't involve me in any more drama because I'll tell you what I really think, and that isn't pretty.
This week, after two months of interviews, we finally made an offer on a crucial position, only to have the "perfect" candidate freak out when I told her that we were going to do a background check. So, I'm back to square one interviewing candidates and pretending to be enthralled by decades of management experience. Combine this frustration with the weekly lectures I recieve about only hiring bilingual prom queens and I've come to the realization that I need some time away before I hurt somebody.
And then I came home to find my student loan check in the mail. Now that I have a real job, I don't need these checks for living expenses, and I have a bank account in which to safely store them. But then, on the other side of the globe there is Paris beckoning. But I'll be good and stay in Chicago. I really do need to see my family at Christmas, and there are some renovations I need to do on the condo. Still, a week in Paris...would run me nearly three thousand dollars, and I just can't do it.
I'm on a five-week break from classes. They start up again mid July, and then with the exception of the winter break of three weeks, I'm back at it full swing until graduation in a year.
And the student loans loom. I checked my balance and the number is so large I can't even comprehend it. I checked into loan consolidation, and I can have the life of the loan extended to twenty years. It will literally eat up every tax return and bonus from work for the next five years. But I'll have a masters degree.
And so I sat down to exercise my new found intelligence by trying to bang out a draft for a short story, but I think I'm just going to crawl into bed with a book. It's unseasonably cool this evening for a June in the middle of the global warming debacle and all I want to do is sip tea and turn pages.
I promise to be more faithful in posting.
This week, after two months of interviews, we finally made an offer on a crucial position, only to have the "perfect" candidate freak out when I told her that we were going to do a background check. So, I'm back to square one interviewing candidates and pretending to be enthralled by decades of management experience. Combine this frustration with the weekly lectures I recieve about only hiring bilingual prom queens and I've come to the realization that I need some time away before I hurt somebody.
And then I came home to find my student loan check in the mail. Now that I have a real job, I don't need these checks for living expenses, and I have a bank account in which to safely store them. But then, on the other side of the globe there is Paris beckoning. But I'll be good and stay in Chicago. I really do need to see my family at Christmas, and there are some renovations I need to do on the condo. Still, a week in Paris...would run me nearly three thousand dollars, and I just can't do it.
I'm on a five-week break from classes. They start up again mid July, and then with the exception of the winter break of three weeks, I'm back at it full swing until graduation in a year.
And the student loans loom. I checked my balance and the number is so large I can't even comprehend it. I checked into loan consolidation, and I can have the life of the loan extended to twenty years. It will literally eat up every tax return and bonus from work for the next five years. But I'll have a masters degree.
And so I sat down to exercise my new found intelligence by trying to bang out a draft for a short story, but I think I'm just going to crawl into bed with a book. It's unseasonably cool this evening for a June in the middle of the global warming debacle and all I want to do is sip tea and turn pages.
I promise to be more faithful in posting.
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