Remorse?

When something ends, especially if it ends abruptly, I usually feel bad. By nature I want to assume responsibility for the ending. Even when I was acting and a show closed, I felt a little guilty because the show wasn't extended.

There is just no way around it. Being laid off sucks. Still, there was nothing here that I could have done differently. The fact is they reduced the staff to fewer than fifty, and no company needs an HR person with so few employees, especially when there is no real career track or professional development going on.

And I don't think there is anyone who would say I wasn't good at my job. I was in an impossible situation, having to keep an executive with a massive ego happy -- and I did that brilliantly, if I do say so myself. I did what no other person in that company could do, and that was maintain a working relationship with the CEO and remain productive. Everyone else could do one or the other. The COO had started to develop that skill, but the CEO was released before he could really capitalize on it.

I spoke with the CEO this morning. He said he's got some calls out and if he hears of anything he'll let me know. He feels like I was collateral damage, that the board of directors took their anger at him out on me. Maybe. The truth is, there simply isn't the need for me.

I don't know if there will be any kind of severance package. There should be at least two weeks, but if there isn't I'll be fine.

I spent the day going through a kind of mourning. It comes in waves of tension in my stomach. Or maybe it's hunger. I don't know. Because of my education plans, and being a year away from enrollment I'm sort of at a loss as to what is the best course of action. I'm thinking some sort of office manager job might be best. Maybe I'll just temp. Maybe I'll ride my unemployment out for as long as it lasts.

Or maybe I should put my money where my mouth is and write something worthy of being sold. Hey, now there's an idea.