No Matter Where You Go, There You Are

My cat wakes my up every morning, somewhere between one and five o'clock. It is completely at his whim. I then usually spend several hours lying in bed drifting in and out of a light sleep.

This morning two very strange things happened. In my light sleep every morning, I usually run through the same thought scenarios. And, usually it's replaying some frustrating event, something that has been a disappointment. There is an entire library of these events, and some of them date back a good decade. In these replayings, I'm usually sifting through everything trying to find my responsibility in what went wrong. The whole thing is sort of a nocturnal sifting through a haystack looking for the single golden needle. This morning I think I may have found it.

In each event, if I found some overt action of mine that contributed to the frustration or failure, it is usually something stupid, thoughtless, or careless. For example, typos. When I first started typing, it didn't matter what I did or how many times I proofed a document, each and everyone would contain a typo. Or yesterday, for another example, I had to write two checks for my boss's signature. I carefully calculated them, prepared the supporting documentation -- all of it flawlessly. Then when I actually wrote them, I wrote one for the wrong amount. I do something stupid like that every day. Sometimes three and four times a day. My boss simply gave the check back to me and I rewrote it, but I beat myself up about that type of mistake all day long.

This morning, I recognized that not only do I do something stupid, I do it on a subconscious level so that I can beat myself up. I use that series of little events to build a case for failure. I let little things like that sabotage me all the time, then I beat myself up and become self conscious so that the failures and mistakes take on mythic proportions. And if there aren't any mistakes, I find other ways to make me feel bad about myself.

The goal is self punishment of some kind. There is an element of myself that feels like this failure is inevitable, that I deserve it. In spite of tangible evidence that I can succeed, (my own business, masters degree, etc.) I focus on the failure, the lack, the missing, and when I'm looking at the lack I have nothing to build from.

I've always known that I was responsible for my own shortcomings. But this morning I began to make the connection as to how I was responsible. For more than a minute, the entire picture became clear. I'm hoping I can hold on to that clarity.

The second thing that happened may or may not be related, but I swear to God the earth moved. I live on the third floor of a four-floor building. There is traffic on the street, but not a lot and especially little at four in the morning. Still, something happened and for a full minute my bed swayed. It was as if there was someone else in the room, rocking the bed back and forth. The bed continued to sway even after I sat up. I wasn't dreaming. And there was a rumble. Have you seen movies where a plane is about to crash and they show the people on the ground? The camera jiggles and there's a roar? This was just like that. I suppose it could have been a very heavy, passing truck, but it went on too long. It might have been an earthquake, but I'm in Chicago. There could have been a perfectly logical explanation.

Or, it could have been a slight shifting of my world. This new realization or perception might be the start of a change for me. At the very least, I feel like I have a new perspective and I'm going to try to hold on to that.