What Is The Sound of a Phone Not Ringing If There's No One in the Woods to Hear?

I'm half way through my third week of unemployment and I'm getting antsy. This is the fourth time in my life where I've had a summer without employment and I know that July and the first half of August are death for the job seeker. There are jobs listed, but HR managers are juggling hiring managers' vacations and just the general apathy that is generated by the heat and humidity. Then, sometime around the fifteenth of August things seem to break and the calls for interviews come. It's happened that way all three of the other times.

When I was acting, toward the end I reached a point where I really put a lot of effort into perfecting my auditions. There was one memorable audition for Richard II that called for two Shakespearean monologues that demonstrated "risk and range." I was working with a collection of actors on audition pieces regularly, and they helped me with my selections. Of the group, I think three of us actually went to this cattle call.

I went into the theatre and announced my first piece. Iago. Now, you don't know me but if you did you'd agree that the character of Iago isn't a particularly risky choice for me. You could line up ten directors and at least five of them would say that yes, they could see me in the role. I delivered a competent, if not particularly inpspired performance of my monologue.

Then I said, "For my next piece, I'd like to give you Ophelia's mad scene." You could almost hear the eyes rolling in the auditorium. At 6'5, 240 pounds, I am absolutely no one's vision of the essence of innocence and vulerability. Over the years I've worked with five or six different actresses playing the role and several more who prepared the role for auditions. I know the role and what's required. As I made my exit from the audition stage I actually received applause from the director, designers, and other company members who were watching the audition. A week later I was called and offered a part. I turned it down.

At that moment I realized that for me acting had become all about getting the role. I realized I was interested in the hunt and I needed the validation of winning the role, as if that said that I was the best. But the tedium of doing the actual work, the endless rehearsals and performances for audiences of five had lost its thrill. Of course I've also been on the other side of the casting table and I know first hand that the role doesn't always go to the better actor. Most of my resume was built by either taking over roles or being cast because there was no one else available.

Now I find myself in pretty much the same boat. I'm sending out my resume because its a requirement to collect unemployment benefits, and I'd say that every day there might be one or two jobs listed that I think, "I could do that." But I'm not sure I want the job so much as I want the job offer. I want that validation that I'm good enough. But the prospect of hiring and firing, processing benefit paperwork and coaching managers on how to get a performance from their staff just fills me with a great big yawn.

I'm still moving forward with my plans to start my own business. It's scorching hot today, and instead of working up my electric bill with the air conditioning, I'm planning to spend the bulk of the day at Barnes & Noble researching small-business books, and then later in the day I'm going to treat myself to ice tea at the Boystown Caribou Coffee and start pounding out another short story.

But mostly I'm staying out of the house so I don't hear the phone not ringing.