Fat!

I came home from work, turned on the television, and there on the Learning Channel was the story of the world's heaviest man. At 1230 pounds, just to look at the poor man was upsetting. He'd been bed ridden for five years and was so huge there were no clothes. But, clothes really weren't necessary because all of his privates were hidden by layer after layer of fat. He was so heavy that the fat was not depositing on his body symmetrically, with his right side larger than his left. He appeared to be a man who had fallen into an enormous vat of bread dough that had been allowed to raise for too long. Deposits of fat, each weighing between 150 and 200 pounds had built up between his thighs to the point that his legs were spread-eagle in splits. These deposits were causing toxic fluid build up in his lymph glands.

Then they started talking about his diet. The announcer, appalled said, "For lunch Paulo has five to seven tacos and half a litre of Coke."

All I could think was that they had to be bacon tacos that were deep fried and then slathered in mayonnaise and chocolate sauce. While it would be filling, I could put away seven tacos for lunch, and I could drink half a litre of Coke in a gulp. This made me feel fat.

Then the announcer introduced us to his girlfriend.

And I'm single.

Then I felt like a fat loser.

The program went on to tell how in five months Paulo went on the Zone Diet and lost a quarter of his body fat. And his girlfriend.

I felt a little better.

Turns out, Paulo's girlfriend's family thought it was a little weird to date a guy who can't get out of bed.

OK, then I stopped feeling better. Paulo's girlfriend succumbed to family pressure but she still loved him. I went into the kitchen and got my jar of peanut butter and a butter knife.

Then, mercifully the cable went out. It's just as well. If it turned out that Paulo was really Jake Gyllenhaal, I would have ordered an extra-large pepperoni, sausage, ham, bacon pizza with extra cheese and a half litre of Coke.